PunkKittyDiddy

R.I.P. George

Why is it that the Grim Reaper shows up pretty much like clockwork to cull the smart, sassy, gutsy, feisty, freethinking and groundbreaking ones, while Paris Hilton or Britney Spears give that whole mortality concept the finger as they repeatedly get plastered, climb into a convertible sports car and drive the winding roads of the Hollywood Hills with apparent impunity? 

OK, so Carlin was 71, but it still feels premature.  Along those lines, it also feels like the above-noted dimwitted dingledwarves and their kind, regardless of their relative youth, have been plaguing society for forever already.

George was one of my favorites.  I'm just another fan, and this is just another homage, but I thought I'd revisit some of my favorite Carlinisms in memoriam - actually, pretty much everything he said was my "favorite," so it's more appropriate to consider these just a random assortment:

• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
• Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
• Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning.
• I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
  She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Sex Sells, But a Whiff of Disembowelment Also Piques Interest

Sometimes a news headline just leaps off the page (or computer screen) at you for inexplicable reasons.  Like this tidbit, fresh off the AP presses:

"Ringleader of Body Parts Scheme Apologizes"

You bet I clicked the link.  In my defense, maybe my interest in this story isn't purely macabre.  There are common sense considerations here.  Like, does this guy live next door to me?  Also, out of curiosity, how does an apology for "looting hundreds of corpses" go?  I often struggle to deliver a basic, "Uh...sorry..." to I.G. if I snap at him over something stupid at the end of a long day.  How does one find the words to express regret over conducting illicit and illegal acts of Frankenstein-ian magnitude?  (The once-regal host of Masterpiece Theatre, Alistair Cooke, was apparently but one of the unlucky cadavers to be carved up unceremoniously like a Thanksgiving turkey in this enterprise.  I wonder if his organ recipient found him- or herself weirdly infused with a sudden and uncharacteristic preference for gentle drawing room comedies and brisk cups of tea.)  

I'm generally a big fan of recycling, but I think one should draw the line when terms like, "body snatcher" are getting bandied about......

Lap Dance Costs Securities Trader More Than His Dignity......Awwwwwwww!

I am almost resplendent in my predictability.  I kind of hate that about myself.   

Seriously, I am one gullible lab monkey.  If a tempting shiny object is dropped into my cage, wrapped up in a big red bow, with a gift tag that reads, "TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!," I will inevitably pounce on it.  Even if I can see the wires leading from the shiny object to some gadget in the hand of the guy in the white lab coat......a gadget on which there is a button clearly labeled, "SHOCK THE MONKEY!" - a button over which the scientist's thumb is twitching all too readily - I will still pounce.  That's how easily manipulated I am.

In perusing assorted online news stories this morning, I realized I would really like to be the kind of blogger who is compelled to comment on how the Dalai Lama (you know, the Nobel Peace Prize winning one) is being accused by the Chinese government of orchestrating violent protests against them in order to ruin that whole big party they're throwing for a bunch of people in track suits and leotards come August.

But noooooooo.  Why would I blog about something significant like that when the Associated Press has seen fit to drop this shiny, red-gift-bow-festooned gem through the bars of my cage into my hot little typing monkey fingers instead?  See, it turns out that some Wall Street guy is suing a titty bar for injuries he sustained during a lap dance after the stripper's shoe whacked him in the face.

Oh, hell - why not?  This is America, damn it!  A man is well within his rights to expect that when he forks over good money to have his leg humped, he should not have to suffer the indignity of having his personal space (not to mention eye socket) pierced by a four-inch stiletto!   What was that stupid stripper thinking, anyway?  That just because he shoved some slimy 10-spot into her G-string earlier that night, he was a man who didn't have feelings, or moral standards, or the right to enjoy a lap dance sans bruising?  You know, I really hate it when over-exploited sex workers get all sloppy and impertinent like that!  I bet she got lube all over his $5K Armani suit, too.  Maybe we should all pool our resources and establish a fund to help him get back on the road to recovery.......yeah!  That would make me feel a bit better about this whole sordid mess! 

Thing is, I was just now surfing the web, looking for survivor support groups that might be able to assist in this endeavor, but when I google, "Wall Street Moguls Who've Survived Lap Dance Injuries," the results are pitifully sparse!

What's this country coming to, anyway?